22 Oct 2011,
At sometime around
5pm in Yokohama, Orita-san was welcomed on stage at TEDxSeeds. I felt so
overwhelmed then, I got up and left. Why
you may ask? I remember Orita san as a bespectacled man of slender stature,
greying hair, what I thought to be a typical lecturer. A man who at that time,
reminded me too much of my late father...
In fact, TEDxSeeds
with all the speakers immersed in creative energy, innovative gadgets,
scientists, robots... programming, designers…
they all transported me back to the days when my father would sit for
hours on end, in front of his computer, figuring out the programming to his
robots. The days where he stayed up all
day and all night, hardly eating, just to get the robot to dance the way its
real-life counterpart might dance. [One of the works that he had brought home
was that of a lion robot that could do a chinese lion dance :) ]
At the Institute of
Technical Education, my father was a lecturer, scientist, inventor, teacher.
Of course, he had fewer resources to work with than the speakers at
TEDxSeeds, and more challenging students to teach! Yet, his passion for his work was
comparable. His determination to
challenge himself, to create and innovate... something I will always aspire to
follow.
When Orita-san came
on stage, I had wondered if my dad had a longer life, if he had had better
opportunities to pursue his education, might he have been invited to a
TEDxSeeds?
I chided myself
then, Zafirah, stop thinking of such things. What's meant to be was meant to
be. You can't regret over the things
that you had absolutely no control of.
But by the time I
got to that thought, the sense of loss had already made its way through the
crevices of my heart, and I had to leave, to let the dam break, let the tears
flow, and let them stop when they weren't needed anymore.
Coming home since
then, the past few days has been intense.
Days of constant reflections, and tough questions that I had asked
myself, and resulting tension when I realised…
I had no clear
answer to these questions.
As interviewers at
TEDxSeeds, we had the luxury of witnessing the work of these speakers, their
legacies as a result of their time, energy, and ingenuity... How their
perspectives, inventions, and innovations are helping the world. They are driven not by pride nor money, but
by passion.
The passion to do the right thing, displaying courage and
tenacity to overcome adversity at every step, trusting and working with others
towards a common goal.
I reflected upon
these characteristics, and whether I had practised them consciously or not?
Some of them yes, some of them no.
The one question
that stumped me was... what is my passion?
What do I care most deeply about? What legacy do I want to leave behind
at the end of my life?
I don't know. I am
still searching. I am unsettled.
As a Muslim, I
believe that life on Earth is a means to an End. And "End" being Heaven or
Hell. When we pass on, we believe that
everything in this world is left behind, nothing will help us, except our good
deeds - ongoing charity, the cascade of beneficial knowledge, and children who pray for us.
So if I am my
father's legacy, what do I need to do, to make this life matter? To make his
afterlife better? The uncertainty
scares me. Not knowing for sure scares
me. It made me tense, and my tension had
an impact on friends and family too! Or
perhaps it may be the belief, that what I feel I need to do, can't be
understood by people around me. And
perhaps even the fear that I may have to
do it alone.
I don't know. I am
still searching. I am unsettled.
Nontheless, for what
TEDxSeeds and my father's life... and death has awaken in me, I am grateful.
I do believe the
answer will be revealed to me in time.
While the soul has
attempted to find and grasp Meaning… Meaning hasn't fully arrived at the soul.
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