The door of DENIAL

I stand before the door labelled DENIAL.

The hand on the knob shivers
The heart sees Fear and Dread, scrambling to run far,
"Run towards anywhere else but this doorstep!" they screamed in protest.
Yet Will rooted the feet to the ground and
Hope whispered, "Maybe it won't be as bad as you fear it to be..."

I turn the knob...
Shame weighed heavily on my wrists.
I freeze for some time,
searching, understanding...
Said hello to Fear, Dread, Shame and Hope.

"You are my friends for now and you all have equal right to be here.
But we can't all pass through this door.
So, Hope, come with me...
for You give me the most strength, the most light to see and sense the dark."

I peeked through that dreaded door and witnessed with the light of Hope...

... Pain and Suffering
She had tears flowing down her cheeks as she recalled...
the holidays she spent at the hospital,
the atrocities of a flawed healthcare system,
her father's weary, sunken eyes
her mother's despair and tears
her own helplessness to solve it all... unbearable


... Doubt and Guilt
They sat across each other in banter
"She could have spent more time with her father..."
"She should have learnt to be more attentive, earlier..."
"She should have buried her ego and forgone the work..."
They came to the conclusion:
"Indeed, we could have done better"


... Vulnerability and Mercy
They spotted me peering through the door.
Vulnerability held out her hands and I held on tight
The door of denial opened and I stepped in
Mercy said, "Come sit with me." With that,
I crumbled at her feet and cried till I was empty.


Mercy cupped her hands and said a prayer,
"O Allah, You have decided,
that her father's time on Your Created Earth has ended,
his purpose, fulfilled.

Help her through this struggle... this struggle of letting go
Of the form of her father that she was used to all her life
The quiet pillar which held up her family.

Help her embrace her own humanity...
All of Fear, Dread, Shame, Pain, Suffering, Doubt, Guilt...
Even of her own Death.

And grant her Your Mercy as she learns
How to truly live her purpose, as You have Ordained.

Ya Rabbal 'Alamin...


Mercy wiped the tears off my cheeks
Kissed me on the forehead and said,
"Look, there is no label of denial on the door any more."

I looked up and to my surprise,
I see in fact, no door, no room.
The heart is open... to simply Be.

A soul still searching for Meaning

22 Oct 2011,

At sometime around 5pm in Yokohama, Orita-san was welcomed on stage at TEDxSeeds. I felt so overwhelmed then, I got up and left.  Why you may ask? I remember Orita san as a bespectacled man of slender stature, greying hair, what I thought to be a typical lecturer. A man who at that time, reminded me too much of my late father...

In fact, TEDxSeeds with all the speakers immersed in creative energy, innovative gadgets, scientists, robots... programming, designers…  they all transported me back to the days when my father would sit for hours on end, in front of his computer, figuring out the programming to his robots.  The days where he stayed up all day and all night, hardly eating, just to get the robot to dance the way its real-life counterpart might dance. [One of the works that he had brought home was that of a lion robot that could do a chinese lion dance :) ]

At the Institute of Technical Education, my father was a lecturer, scientist, inventor,  teacher.  Of course, he had fewer resources to work with than the speakers at TEDxSeeds, and more challenging students to teach!  Yet, his passion for his work was comparable.  His determination to challenge himself, to create and innovate... something I will always aspire to follow.

When Orita-san came on stage, I had wondered if my dad had a longer life, if he had had better opportunities to pursue his education, might he have been invited to a TEDxSeeds? 

I chided myself then, Zafirah, stop thinking of such things. What's meant to be was meant to be.  You can't regret over the things that you had absolutely no control of. 

But by the time I got to that thought, the sense of loss had already made its way through the crevices of my heart, and I had to leave, to let the dam break, let the tears flow, and let them stop when they weren't needed anymore.

Coming home since then, the past few days has been intense.  Days of constant reflections, and tough questions that I had asked myself, and resulting tension when I realised…

I had no clear answer to these questions. 

As interviewers at TEDxSeeds, we had the luxury of witnessing the work of these speakers, their legacies as a result of their time, energy, and ingenuity... How their perspectives, inventions, and innovations are helping the world.  They are driven not by pride nor money, but by passion. 

The passion to  do the right thing, displaying courage and tenacity to overcome adversity at every step, trusting and working with others towards a common goal.

I reflected upon these characteristics, and whether I had practised them consciously or not? Some of them yes, some of them no. 

The one question that stumped me was... what is my passion?  What do I care most deeply about? What legacy do I want to leave behind at the end of my life?

I don't know. I am still searching.  I am unsettled. 

As a Muslim, I believe that life on Earth is a means to an End.  And "End" being Heaven or Hell.  When we pass on, we believe that everything in this world is left behind, nothing will help us, except our good deeds - ongoing charity, the cascade of beneficial knowledge, and  children who pray for us.

So if I am my father's legacy, what do I need to do, to make this life matter? To make his afterlife better?   The uncertainty scares me.  Not knowing for sure scares me.  It made me tense, and my tension had an impact on friends and family too!  Or perhaps it may be the belief, that what I feel I need to do, can't be understood by people around me.  And perhaps even  the fear that I may have to do it alone.

I don't know. I am still searching.  I am unsettled. 

Nontheless, for what TEDxSeeds and my father's life... and death has awaken in me, I am grateful.

I do believe the answer will be revealed to me in time. 

While the soul has attempted to find and grasp Meaning… Meaning hasn't fully arrived at the soul.